Exam Time

Having been a schoolteacher for most of my career, I am used to thinking of examinations as a way to measure progress in learning. Self-examination is something I didn’t begin until my mid-life. I am currently in another season of introspection. Some people belittle introspection as “navel gazing,” a waste of time. I prefer to follow Socrates who asserted that the unexamined life is not worth living. I think the Apostle Paul echoed the philosopher’s opinion when he recommended taking one’s measure in at least two places, and Peter joins him as well. (2 Corinthians 13:5; 1 Corinthians 11:27-30; 2 Peter 1:10-11) as well as demonstrating that he took the inward look himself. (Philippians 3:4-11)

Having been through the process of self-examination before, I find I generally have had to reconsider who I am based on what I have discovered about myself. For example, when I used to look back on my life as a student in elementary and secondary school, I thought of myself as a nerd. My wife assures me that cannot be true because she would never have married a nerd. I mentioned my nerdiness to a fellow-classmate at our fiftieth high school reunion and she agreed with my wife; she had not thought me a nerd either. This misapprehension didn’t really cause any harm or bring any shame, but it does make me realize that others don’t see me for what I think I am.

After being married to my high school sweetheart for a couple decades, I had the opinion that I was a fine example of a loving, Christian husband. Then something brought me into that state of introspection, and I began to realize that I had fallen far short of perfection. In fact, I think I was basically a jerk for quite some time. I was not consciously abusive, but because I had never tried to learn what my wife really needed, I dragged her through a life furnished with most of what I needed thinking she was fulfilled as well. That was a wake-up call, and I still hear that alarm ringing on occasion.

About the same time, I discovered my wife had unfulfilled needs I was ignoring, I also came to the surprising conclusion that for all of my thirty-seven years, I had been trying to please my father. My Dad was of that “greatest generation” that suffered through a Depression and fought in WWII. Like may of his peers, he didn’t share much of what he was feeling. He was also a workaholic which meant that even if he had been more forthcoming with expressions of emotion, he wasn’t around very often to share them with me. I realized during my mid-life examination that I had been asking, “What would Dad think,” about everything in my effort to garner some praise or at least recognition.

I also got a shocking revelation from one of my children a few years later. I had always thought I was a really good father. I even began to write a seminar program to share my expertise on raising perfect kids. It’s probably a good thing I never finished it. My oldest was approaching middle age herself when she told me (in a context I have forgotten) that as a child, she was afraid to talk to me about anything important. Although none of them ran away from home, each of my children found someplace else to be immediately after high school, and I haven’t seen much of them since then. Apparently, the nest was a little prickly.

Now I am looking over the fence at seventy. I am examining what I have been and done in my three-score and ten. I have said for most of those years that I am called and gifted by God as a teacher, and I would have said in the past that I have done well at that. Even though I am retired, I still have occasion to teach by my writing and in person when given a chance. Lately I have been told that my teaching methods are not only ineffective, but even harmful in some instances. This is bringing on another bout of self-examination. I haven’t decided if my detractors are correct, but I have to look because of what Socrates said.

Now I will explain why this autobiographical rambling belongs on a site that claims heaven always matters most. First, there is one thing I am positively certain of: it doesn’t ultimately matter what others think of me or even what I think of myself. All that matters is what God thinks of me, and I know beyond doubt that He thinks of me as His child, accepted in the Beloved. When He looks at me, He sees Jesus. I am seated in the Heavenlies at His right hand, the place of highest honor. I have done nothing to gain His acceptance and His love; Jesus has done everything necessary to guarantee it. I don’t find this truth by looking into my mind, which I have just demonstrated is messed up. I learn the truth of my position by looking into the mirror of the Word as James calls it. God’s Spirit testifies to my spirit that I am his child.

The second reason these ramblings belong here is this: the preceding paragraphs were written yesterday. Today, Pastor Bill Johnson of Kingdom Life in Muskegon shared a word that spoke clearly to what I had written, but in a remarkable way. Bill spoke of the need to be grounded in the love of our Heavenly Father and to be rooted in the foundational teachings of the Word of God. He pointed to the words of Jesus that warned of times to come when deceit and lawlessness would cause many believers to drift away from righteous moorings. Finally Bill referenced Hebrews 12 which warns of a “shaking” that will cause worldly things to fall away.

I’ll keep trying to be a better husband-father-teacher-man, but I won’t waste a minute worrying if I am a good son of my Heavenly Father; He has taken care of that – no examination needed. I will also focus my deepest efforts on clinging to the things that cannot be shaken while letting go of all that can. I have been a sincere, diligent student of the Bible for over forty years. In spite of all that, I don’t think I have ever felt a more compelling desire to immerse myself in the Word and be conformed to it. I pray everyone in Christ’s true church will find the same passion. With everything that is happening in the world these days, I am reminded that there is an examination coming, perhaps soon, that we don’t want to fail.