When Being Right is Wrong

What I am about to write is autobiographical and confessional in nature. This is not the kind of thing I would normally publish broadly but more likely speak in confidence to close friends. I have chosen to make myself vulnerable because I have caused trouble in a public way, and I don’t know who I might need to apologize to beyond those who have spoken up. This exposure may also be helpful to someone who has had similar difficulties and could learn from my experience.

If you have not read my blog for long, you may want to read the following articles for background: OMG! It’s Me; Confidence Versus Arrogance; The Importance of Being Right. If you don’t have time to read them, I will simply say that they prove the issue at hand is not something new to me. It would seem to be almost as old as I am; I remember my mother telling me to watch my tone of voice after I had said something that she took as disrespectful. I hadn’t meant to be disrespectful, but apparently it sounded like I was. The fact that I can remember her exact words tells me that it was not a one-time occurrence. My wife has said the same thing to me as recently as last week, so the problem continues.

I remember having lunch with my pastor about thirty years ago discussing an issue with a fellow-believer at the church. I had not thought there was anything to be upset about, but an upset occurred. My pastor told me something that shocked me; he said that I intimidate people. To this day, my self-image is tender enough that I struggle to believe I have the kind of character that would intimidate anyone, but I still do. Any protestations of humility or deference are discounted as more of my raw hubris.

As a composition teacher, I always taught that your words cease to be yours once they are sent out and received by another. The receiver creates a perception of what your words mean, and that perception is reality to that person. Period. No amount of backpedaling or apology seems to change the mind of a person who is convinced he knows your intentions. Even after fifty years of marriage, my wife still occasionally assigns dark motives to me of which I am entirely innocent. It should come as no surprise that people who don’t know me well should do the same.

What am I to do? I suppose I could just shut my mouth, park my word processor, and never produce another word. Like that will ever happen! My problem is compounded by the fact that I am called and gifted as a teacher, a fact attested to by the Holy Spirit witness to my own spirit and the confirmation of the Body of Christ over many years. Because it would be a sin not to share my gift, shutting up is not an option. It’s all about when to speak and what to say. I have been accused of “teaching” people who were not interested. I thought my lesson was needed, but the “student” was not ready to hear it. Then there is the case of saying something that might be appropriate but coloring it with my tonal affliction and messing up the moment.

Regardless of tone or timing, my strongly held opinions intimidate those who hold opposing views, as was noted by my pastor years ago. This is where the question of arrogance versus confidence applies. If I am confident by reason of my study and the Spirit’s witness that a Scriptural principle can be applied to a situation, I need to take one more step and ask if the application and venue are appropriate. The fact that I may offend someone is not reason enough to keep silent. If that were the case, none of the biblical prophets would have said a word; they were always offending someone, as was Jesus Himself. My detractors might say that I am not Jesus or a prophet, so I should shut up. My apologies to them all, but my Editor is of a higher order.

During the 2020 election season, I frequently made my opinions known through blogs and responses on Facebook. I did not check with my Editor often enough. I paid the price in bruised and broken relationships. I seldom respond on Facebook anymore unless the offender is maligning God or His Word. I feel like David when he stood in front of Goliath and said, “You can’t talk about my God like that!” If God’s Word offends people, and I suffer the consequences, I am getting what Jesus promised: “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.” He is after all, “A stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall.”

Another man I once admired said that if you are getting shot at from both sides, you are probably in the right place. That was certainly the case with Jesus. I often find myself in that position; I’m too liberal for the conservatives and too conservative for the liberals. In any case, I am too outspoken for the intimidated. Confidence or arrogance; faith or foolishness. Going forward, I am going to make the effort to say only what needs to be said and to say it with no malice of tone (as best I can). If you are one of the offended, please accept my apology and know that I bear malice toward no one, but I am resigned to the fact that some people will take offense no matter what I say. Thanks for listening.