A Modest Proposal (Redux)

My daughter posted an article on Facebook about a meth bust in Park City. It got me thinking: why would anyone in that beautiful, fun-filled place want to mess around with methamphetamines? I did a little research and came to a startling conclusion: we should legalize meth.

I know that position shocks many of you who know me. I am a conservative Christian who is always quoting Shakespeare or Swift or some other dead white guy. But there would be several undeniable benefits to American society if meth were made legal. First of all, the same arguments which have convinced many in this country to legalize marijuana apply to meth as well: reduced crime, lowered burden on law enforcement, easing the over-crowded prisons, and so on.

People who have argued in favor of legal marijuana point out that alcohol use (which is legal) is far more harmful to society than smoking weed, pointing to marijuana’s calming effects on belligerent individuals and the slowing of speeding drivers. Much the same can be said for meth; it makes people feel better about themselves and when they drive, studies show that attention and reaction time actually improve with moderate meth use.  And besides, it seems mean-spirited to further traumatize hard working middle class families who are struggling in this troubled economy who have simply made the choice to feel better.

Speaking of the economy, legalizing meth would be a serious boon. First it would eliminate all those production jobs going to Mexico. Then, if produced here legally, it would be taxed just like alcohol and tobacco. Careful producers would not only be gainfully self-employed thereby increasing the tax base, but they would also do society a further service. Everyone knows it is dangerous to run a meth lab; hardly a week passes without at least one exploding in our area. The good news is that methamphetamine acts to self-select the careful from the careless. Anyone who has read Darwin knows that natural selection is good for a species.

Another benefit from meth legalization is the boost to the orthodontist profession. If meth were legalized, orthodontist schools should begin recruiting immediately. Additionally, the cash and cars that don’t get incinerated in the explosions of the careless producers could be donated to worthy causes or used to decrease the national debt. I know this is a modest proposal which does not solve all the world’s problems, but surely there are those among my dear readers who will understand my position.