OMG! It's Me

Consider the following:

1.     Early in my career I was a school administrator and teacher in private Christian schools; there were three different school boards who, for different reasons, declined to renew my contract for the coming year. That is not quite the same thing as being fired, but it is a distinction without a difference.

2.    I have a sister who has not spoken to me since just after my Mom died many years ago. We were both surprised to learn that the estate was not going to provide an inheritance for any of us siblings; in fact, the liabilities exceeded the assets. My sister believed that I was responsible for the situation, although it was subsequently demonstrated that I had little to do with it. Regardless, we do not communicate.

3.      I learned a couple years ago that my wife had not been fully forthcoming during the first few decades of our relationship because she did not feel comfortable doing so. Counseling led her to honestly reveal her reticence to speak her mind to me.

4.    About the same time that my wife made the above admission, one of my daughters let it be known that as a child, she had been afraid (her word) to speak to me about some things for fear of my reaction.

5.   There is a man whom I highly respect who has refused to communicate with me for the last several years because of some regrettable things I said which hurt him deeply. So far, my attempts to ask forgiveness have only made the situation worse.

What is the common element in all these situations? Me. I can add that in every situation I would have said at the time that I was misunderstood in something I said or did by the other parties to the affair. The irony has not escaped me that my chosen profession requires that I exhibit skill as a communicator. It is also ironic that many people have pointed out that I do not hide my inner thoughts well, in fact, it has been said more than once that I can usually be read like a book.

I have known for some time now that my relationships with others have often been devoid of compassion or understanding. My excuse is that I did not learn compassion in my youth. Narcissism, egoism, arrogance… these I learned well, but compassion was not in my repertoire. Sadly, recognizing my shortcomings has not rectified my relational difficulties. I would like to say that this is because people presume I am that same old arrogant something-or-other I have always been. The truth may be that my behavior still reinforces the stereotype I have spent years forming in people’s minds.

The question that plagues me at this moment is when do I earn the so-called benefit of the doubt. What must I do to prove I am not the person I once was? Will anyone ever believe that I don’t want to be the person I used to be? … that I am trying to be different… better? The WHAMM in this is more for me than any of my readers, but there is a broader application. Is there anyone who is not “under construction” to one degree or another? Doesn’t Jesus show us that the love He commands is to be given with the understanding that the recipient is seldom (never) perfect?

I want to make it clear that I am not asking for sympathy here. I am stating the obvious fact that I bear significant responsibility for the troubles I have mentioned (and doubtless many more that I don't even know about). Kay and Milan Yerkovitch in How We Love anchor their relationship advice in the necessity of each of us understanding (as much as possible) the other's relational struggles. They recommend giving a lot of leeway to people because we are all flawed people raised by flawed people. That can be traced all the way back to Adam. And didn't Jesus make some pretty hefty allowances for personal foibles in those he ministered to? Think of the adulterous woman or Zacchaeus, the Samaritan woman or Peter. You will never meet a perfect person here on earth. By the time you do meet One, it will be too late to do anything about how you deal with imperfect people here.